THE NIGHTLY MORNING HERALD

Best: "will live forever"

Following a review of the long-term cost-effectiveness of medical intervention, Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt today announced a halt to all NHS treatment of patients not expected to live forever.

"Clearly there is no point spending billions of pounds on, say, cancer operations and drugs, when our findings show that the vast majority of patients will die in the end anyway, with or without the cancer," Mrs Hewitt told NMH.

The Health Secretary estimates that the reform will reduce NHS expenditure by up to 99.9999%.

"There are a small number of people who will still qualify for treatment: the so-called 'immortals'," she explained, "A recent example would be George Best, who will undoubtedly live forever, at least for his fans. Under the new regime, he will qualify for an indefinite number of liver transplants."

Mrs Hewitt also confirmed that the seriously ill Harold Pinter had already made 14 separate applications for treatment, but said that they had all been rejected. "A few long-ish pauses and dirty words hardly confer immortality," she sniffed, adding, "Whatever certain Nobel Prize judges may think."

Eligible historical figures include the immortal poets William Shakespeare and Homer, and Charlie Chaplin.

A Select Immortality Committee chaired by Tony Blair will make all pertinent decisions.

Times Article

Saddam: "bewitching"

Judge Rizgar Amin, who was yesterday ordered to "go to hell" by former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, today failed to show up at the Baghdad Court over which he presides.

Amin's wife and several close friends believe that he may have taken Saddam's words literally.

Mrs Amin told NMH, "Last night Rizgar was behaving very oddly. He started packing his suitcase with all kinds of clothes and other items such as his razor and toothbrush. When I asked where he was going he refused to answer, saying only, 'Somewhere very hot.'"

Dr Thomas Pennybacker, chief psychiatrist at the Royal Free Hospital in London, said this morning, "It is impossible to overstate the powerful hold that totalitarian leaders can exert over the minds of their subjects. This influence can persist even after the Dictator's fall from office."

Reports of a bewigged man digging furiously in a field on the outskirts of Baghdad are yet to be confirmed.

Cameron: "compassionate"

David Cameron yesterday made what he described as the "ultimate sacrifice", offering his own wife to defeated leadership rival David Davis.

Speaking from a small zeppelin flying around the foyer of the Royal Academy of Art, Cameron said, "My heart literally bleeds for David. He is a marvellous man, an incredibly close friend, and he really puts the policy into politics, unlike me. It's the least I can do, and Samantha agrees fully."

Friends say the gesture is typical of the modern and compassionate old Etonian.

"I remember once being beaten by Dave in a five-set tennis match," said school chum Tim 'Squiffy' Robinson, "And the next thing I knew I was in bed with his pet monkey."

However, some view the gesture as nothing more than empty spin.

"David Cameron knows very well that his offer will be refused," said a New Labour spokesman, "First, because his wife is heavily pregnant, second because she is rather ugly, and third because she has a tattoo on her ankle. It's hardly like being offered Brigitte Bardot, is it?"

David Davis is understood to be considering his options carefully.

Gordon Brown: "swashbuckling"

The Chancellor Gordon Brown today admitted that the economy is growing at a slower rate than the Treasury had predicted, but issued a trenchant defence of his policies.

The following is an extract from his speech, delivered to a heaving House of Commons.

"When some passing ne'er-do-well stops and complains to me, 'Chancellor Brown, the country is groaning under excessive taxation,' I say this to him: 'Yes, but we are not breaking any of my Golden Rules. Have you thought of that?'"

"Or if an idle scallywag tackles me down in the street, grips me by the throat and yells, 'Brown, one more stealth tax and I'll slice off your fucking nose,' I say to him, 'Yes, that's all very well, but have you considered the fact that the British economy recently passed my stability test?'"

"Lastly, when I am jabbed in the eye, as I was only yesterday, by some trivial jackanapes with a tedious gripe about me ripping off pensioners, I say to him, 'Yes, but do that once more and I'll lock you up without trial when I'm PM.'"

The address was universally praised for its swashbuckling style and powerful rhetorical devices, such as the ascending tricolon, a favourite with the Chancellor.

Charles: always thinking of lesbians

Journalists gathered outside the Prince of Wales' country residence at Highgrove were today treated to an astonishing critique of the state of sexuality law in the UK.

"It is all very well to allow lesbian marriage, or 'partnership' as one is seemingly obliged to call it," said the Prince, "But the fact that it is still illegal for a girl to propose makes rather a mockery of such a move."

Charles demanded that the government immediately legalise female proposition, which he described as "the last, and perhaps the most pernicious, taboo" in modern society.

The heir to the throne also gave a moving account of his personal suffering as a result of the taboo.

"One has no doubt at all that if Camilla had not been terrified about being locked up in some frightful prison if she proposed to one, one would never have got mixed up with Diana," he said.

Questioned on the matter by NMH journalists a few minutes ago, Tony Blair said, "I don't think female proposition is actually illegal, but I promise I'll ask Cherie when I get home."

Dig in...

NMH is delighted to report the long-awaited opening this week of Holy Moly, a new eatery in the heart of Soho with a menu consisting entirely of mole based dishes, served in a High Church atmosphere.

The restaurant is the brainchild of the renowned entrepreneur and socialite The Hon. Septimus Fudge, whose previous ventures include a life-sized diorama of Tower Hamlets on the Isle of Mull.

Says Fudge, "In culinary terms, the mole is a vastly underrated rodent, although in some upland regions of north-west Africa the kidneys are a prized canapé. I was struck with the idea for Holy Moly while cycling past the post office in Sheppington Hogwash, my local village."

A mouth watering perusal of the menu reveals such piquant delicacies as Guacamoley and Moles Marinieres , although Moled wine is unaccountably missing. Address: 15 Great Windmole St., London W1.

Margaret Beckett - an unmissable target?

The Government today announced a major overhaul to the system of targets by which it assesses its performance.

In future, targets will be set only once results are known.

"Retrospective targeting is clearly the way to go," said Environment Secretary Margaret Beckett, speaking about a possible post-Kyoto treaty.

She continued, "It means we will never suffer embarrassing failures - and we'll get to sucker the public into thinking we're doing a good job."

She dismissed with a disdainful whinny those who believe targets should be a way of forcing the government to make good its promises.

"Typical ne'er-do-wells living in cloud cuckoo land," she neighed, "I'm afraid they're all over the place."

A set of retrospective target targets was also part of the new thinking.

"We are naturally unable to tell anyone what our target targets will be until we have fulfilled them," snorted Beckett, "But I think people will be very impressed."

Guardian Article

Ruth Kelly arguing against a cheese-based alphabet

The Government today revealed radical new plans to teach children that words are made of letters, rather than anything else.

"It's called phonics," enthused Secretary of State for Education Ruth Kelly, "Puh Huh Oh Nuh Ih Cuh Suh, that is."

Mrs Kelly claimed that children all over the country, but "especially in the north of England", were being let down by teachers who propounded "heretical doctrines" - such as the idea that words are made of cheese or sand.

"It's quite simple," she told NMH, "If words were made of cheese there would be no such thing as spelling, would there? Only an irredeemable fuckwit could deny that."

Yet some maverick educationalists disagree.

"It is not all that difficult to imagine a universe in which an actual morsel of brie constituted the correct way to spell the words 'morsel of brie'," mused Dr Theo Chimpy of the Institute of Education (IOE), adding mischievously, "Although it is clearly beyond the capacity of the Secretary of State's brain."

Questioned on the matter, Kelly gave a vigorous response, "All my professional life I have fought against Chimpy and his like. Buh Ruh Ih Eh spells Brie and that's the end of it."

This marriage ended in litigation

A recent report showing that forty-four times as many men as women pay for sex has prompted varying responses from sexual organisations around the country.

A spokesman for the Society for the Protection of Men with Fat Wives (SPOMFAW) argued that in certain cases "it was only fair that women should pay for sex with their husbands."

He pointed out that 32% of men were clinically obese, while the corresponding figure for women was 41%.

"That leaves a lot of men who are in physically good shape themselves, but have to put up with grotesquely bloated wives - perhaps even as many as a million. These men should receive some financial compensation for what they go through."

SPOMFAW offer free legal support to men who wish to sue their fat wives.

"The emotional distress caused by the slow fattening of one's wife over a period of time can be very acute," says Dr Thomas Pennybacker, a renowned psychiatrist who acts as a consultant for SPOMFAW.

SPOMFAW's comments provoked an angry reaction from All Men are Bastards.

"If men have the right to sue women for getting fat, then women should be able to sue men for baldness, which is just as repulsive in its own way," fulminated AMB President Susan Grimshaw.

But Dr Pennybacker begged to differ. "That's just complete bullshit," he said, "Fat women are fat as a result of their own laziness and greed, whereas bald men have lost their hair through no fault of their own."

BBC Article

Scene of the crisis

Lord Adair Turner, author of the recent Pensions Report, and the Chancellor Gordon Brown today had a "moderately heated conversation" on the subject of pensions, NMH can exclusively reveal.

During the exchange, which is the climax of a week of mounting tension, both men are said to have raised their voices by at least a third of a decibel above their habitual speaking volume.

The contretemps occurred in the House of Commons urinals, when Gordon Brown told Lord Turner, who happened to be at the adjacent receptacle, that he believed his pensions reforms were "unaffordable".

In response, Turner told the Chancellor, "It is premature to dismiss the possibility that pensions could be linked to earnings rather than inflation."

Brown was then heard to mutter, "Means-testing bastard", prompting the life peer to spray an unknown quantity of pee on his foot.

Further violence was only prevented by the intervention of one of the Chancellor's aides, who said, "He's not worth it, Gordon," and led him out of the room.

Both sides are understood to be considering legal action.