Ruth Kelly arguing against a cheese-based alphabet

The Government today revealed radical new plans to teach children that words are made of letters, rather than anything else.

"It's called phonics," enthused Secretary of State for Education Ruth Kelly, "Puh Huh Oh Nuh Ih Cuh Suh, that is."

Mrs Kelly claimed that children all over the country, but "especially in the north of England", were being let down by teachers who propounded "heretical doctrines" - such as the idea that words are made of cheese or sand.

"It's quite simple," she told NMH, "If words were made of cheese there would be no such thing as spelling, would there? Only an irredeemable fuckwit could deny that."

Yet some maverick educationalists disagree.

"It is not all that difficult to imagine a universe in which an actual morsel of brie constituted the correct way to spell the words 'morsel of brie'," mused Dr Theo Chimpy of the Institute of Education (IOE), adding mischievously, "Although it is clearly beyond the capacity of the Secretary of State's brain."

Questioned on the matter, Kelly gave a vigorous response, "All my professional life I have fought against Chimpy and his like. Buh Ruh Ih Eh spells Brie and that's the end of it."