Cameron: "compassionate"

David Cameron yesterday made what he described as the "ultimate sacrifice", offering his own wife to defeated leadership rival David Davis.

Speaking from a small zeppelin flying around the foyer of the Royal Academy of Art, Cameron said, "My heart literally bleeds for David. He is a marvellous man, an incredibly close friend, and he really puts the policy into politics, unlike me. It's the least I can do, and Samantha agrees fully."

Friends say the gesture is typical of the modern and compassionate old Etonian.

"I remember once being beaten by Dave in a five-set tennis match," said school chum Tim 'Squiffy' Robinson, "And the next thing I knew I was in bed with his pet monkey."

However, some view the gesture as nothing more than empty spin.

"David Cameron knows very well that his offer will be refused," said a New Labour spokesman, "First, because his wife is heavily pregnant, second because she is rather ugly, and third because she has a tattoo on her ankle. It's hardly like being offered Brigitte Bardot, is it?"

David Davis is understood to be considering his options carefully.