Best: "will live forever"

Following a review of the long-term cost-effectiveness of medical intervention, Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt today announced a halt to all NHS treatment of patients not expected to live forever.

"Clearly there is no point spending billions of pounds on, say, cancer operations and drugs, when our findings show that the vast majority of patients will die in the end anyway, with or without the cancer," Mrs Hewitt told NMH.

The Health Secretary estimates that the reform will reduce NHS expenditure by up to 99.9999%.

"There are a small number of people who will still qualify for treatment: the so-called 'immortals'," she explained, "A recent example would be George Best, who will undoubtedly live forever, at least for his fans. Under the new regime, he will qualify for an indefinite number of liver transplants."

Mrs Hewitt also confirmed that the seriously ill Harold Pinter had already made 14 separate applications for treatment, but said that they had all been rejected. "A few long-ish pauses and dirty words hardly confer immortality," she sniffed, adding, "Whatever certain Nobel Prize judges may think."

Eligible historical figures include the immortal poets William Shakespeare and Homer, and Charlie Chaplin.

A Select Immortality Committee chaired by Tony Blair will make all pertinent decisions.

Times Article