http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/NMH is a new organ providing a daily (or nightly) satirical take on the UK and the rest of the world's top stories. en-EUMokoFeed10http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/02/e9e8de36b5473d27b88c4a11c38a45_160x200.jpghttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/nhs_to_treat_only_immortals~372590/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-09:/2005/12/09/nhs_to_treat_only_immortals~372590/Fri, 09 Dec 2005 11:24:11 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/the-best.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Best: "will live forever"</p> <p>Following a review of the long-term cost-effectiveness of medical intervention, Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt today announced a halt to all NHS treatment of patients not expected to live forever. </p> <p>"Clearly there is no point spending billions of pounds on, say, cancer operations and drugs, when our findings show that the vast majority of patients will die in the end anyway, with or without the cancer," Mrs Hewitt told NMH.</p> <p>The Health Secretary estimates that the reform will reduce NHS expenditure by up to 99.9999%.</p> <p>"There are a small number of people who will still qualify for treatment: the so-called 'immortals'," she explained, "A recent example would be George Best, who will undoubtedly live forever, at least for his fans. Under the new regime, he will qualify for an indefinite number of liver transplants."</p> <p>Mrs Hewitt also confirmed that the seriously ill Harold Pinter had already made 14 separate applications for treatment, but said that they had all been rejected. "A few long-ish pauses and dirty words hardly confer immortality," she sniffed, adding, "Whatever certain Nobel Prize judges may think."</p> <p>Eligible historical figures include the immortal poets William Shakespeare and Homer, and Charlie Chaplin.</p> <p>A Select Immortality Committee chaired by Tony Blair will make all pertinent decisions.</p> <p><a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1917453,00.html">Times Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/nhs_to_treat_only_immortals~372590/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>humourgeorge-bestsatirefunnynhshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/09/nhs_to_treat_only_immortals~372590/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/judge_in_saddam_trial_may_have_gone_to_h~367391/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-07:/2005/12/07/judge_in_saddam_trial_may_have_gone_to_h~367391/Wed, 07 Dec 2005 13:21:43 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/name_saddam.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Saddam: "bewitching"</p> <p>Judge Rizgar Amin, who was yesterday ordered to "go to hell" by former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, today failed to show up at the Baghdad Court over which he presides.</p> <p>Amin's wife and several close friends believe that he may have taken Saddam's words literally.</p> <p>Mrs Amin told NMH, "Last night Rizgar was behaving very oddly. He started packing his suitcase with all kinds of clothes and other items such as his razor and toothbrush. When I asked where he was going he refused to answer, saying only, 'Somewhere very hot.'"</p> <p>Dr Thomas Pennybacker, chief psychiatrist at the Royal Free Hospital in London, said this morning, "It is impossible to overstate the powerful hold that totalitarian leaders can exert over the minds of their subjects. This influence can persist even after the Dictator's fall from office."</p> <p>Reports of a bewigged man digging furiously in a field on the outskirts of Baghdad are yet to be confirmed.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/judge_in_saddam_trial_may_have_gone_to_h~367391/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>iraqsaddam-husseinsatirehumourfunnyhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/judge_in_saddam_trial_may_have_gone_to_h~367391/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/compassionate_cameron_offers_davis_every~366971/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-07:/2005/12/07/compassionate_cameron_offers_davis_every~366971/Wed, 07 Dec 2005 09:56:25 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/David_Cameron.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Cameron: "compassionate"</p> <p>David Cameron yesterday made what he described as the "ultimate sacrifice", offering his own wife to defeated leadership rival David Davis.</p> <p>Speaking from a small zeppelin flying around the foyer of the Royal Academy of Art, Cameron said, "My heart literally bleeds for David. He is a marvellous man, an incredibly close friend, and he really puts the policy into politics, unlike me. It's the least I can do, and Samantha agrees fully."</p> <p>Friends say the gesture is typical of the modern and compassionate old Etonian.</p> <p>"I remember once being beaten by Dave in a five-set tennis match," said school chum Tim 'Squiffy' Robinson, "And the next thing I knew I was in bed with his pet monkey."</p> <p>However, some view the gesture as nothing more than empty spin.</p> <p>"David Cameron knows very well that his offer will be refused," said a New Labour spokesman, "First, because his wife is heavily pregnant, second because she is rather ugly, and third because she has a tattoo on her ankle. It's hardly like being offered Brigitte Bardot, is it?"</p> <p>David Davis is understood to be considering his options carefully.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/compassionate_cameron_offers_davis_every~366971/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funnydavid-cameronpoliticssatirehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/07/compassionate_cameron_offers_davis_every~366971/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/brown_sticks_rhetorical_fireworks_up_cri~362438/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/brown_sticks_rhetorical_fireworks_up_cri~362438/Mon, 05 Dec 2005 16:16:07 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/brown-ambition.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Gordon Brown: "swashbuckling"</p> <p>The Chancellor Gordon Brown today admitted that the economy is growing at a slower rate than the Treasury had predicted, but issued a trenchant defence of his policies.</p> <p>The following is an extract from his speech, delivered to a heaving House of Commons.</p> <p>"When some passing ne'er-do-well stops and complains to me, 'Chancellor Brown, the country is groaning under excessive taxation,' I say this to him: 'Yes, but we are not breaking any of my Golden Rules. Have you thought of that?'"</p> <p>"Or if an idle scallywag tackles me down in the street, grips me by the throat and yells, 'Brown, one more stealth tax and I'll slice off your fucking nose,' I say to him, 'Yes, that's all very well, but have you considered the fact that the British economy recently passed my stability test?'"</p> <p>"Lastly, when I am jabbed in the eye, as I was only yesterday, by some trivial jackanapes with a tedious gripe about me ripping off pensioners, I say to him, 'Yes, but do that once more and I'll lock you up without trial when I'm PM.'"</p> <p>The address was universally praised for its swashbuckling style and powerful rhetorical devices, such as the ascending tricolon, a favourite with the Chancellor.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/brown_sticks_rhetorical_fireworks_up_cri~362438/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funnygordon-brownsatirehumourhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/brown_sticks_rhetorical_fireworks_up_cri~362438/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/charles_sympathises_with_lesbians~362240/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-05:/2005/12/05/charles_sympathises_with_lesbians~362240/Mon, 05 Dec 2005 14:58:41 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/prince-charles.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Charles: always thinking of lesbians</p> <p>Journalists gathered outside the Prince of Wales' country residence at Highgrove were today treated to an astonishing critique of the state of sexuality law in the UK.</p> <p>"It is all very well to allow lesbian marriage, or 'partnership' as one is seemingly obliged to call it," said the Prince, "But the fact that it is still illegal for a girl to propose makes rather a mockery of such a move."</p> <p>Charles demanded that the government immediately legalise female proposition, which he described as "the last, and perhaps the most pernicious, taboo" in modern society.</p> <p>The heir to the throne also gave a moving account of his personal suffering as a result of the taboo.</p> <p>"One has no doubt at all that if Camilla had not been terrified about being locked up in some frightful prison if she proposed to one, one would never have got mixed up with Diana," he said. </p> <p>Questioned on the matter by NMH journalists a few minutes ago, Tony Blair said, "I don't think female proposition is actually illegal, but I promise I'll ask Cherie when I get home."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/charles_sympathises_with_lesbians~362240/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funnylesbianshumoursatirehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/05/charles_sympathises_with_lesbians~362240/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/mole_on~354803/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-02:/2005/12/02/mole_on~354803/Fri, 02 Dec 2005 14:07:22 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/I10-82-mole.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Dig in...</p> <p>NMH is delighted to report the long-awaited opening this week of Holy Moly, a new eatery in the heart of Soho with a menu consisting entirely of mole based dishes, served in a High Church atmosphere. </p> <p>The restaurant is the brainchild of the renowned entrepreneur and socialite The Hon. Septimus Fudge, whose previous ventures include a life-sized diorama of Tower Hamlets on the Isle of Mull. </p> <p>Says Fudge, "In culinary terms, the mole is a vastly underrated rodent, although in some upland regions of north-west Africa the kidneys are a prized canapé. I was struck with the idea for Holy Moly while cycling past the post office in Sheppington Hogwash, my local village." </p> <p>A mouth watering perusal of the menu reveals such piquant delicacies as Guacamoley and Moles Marinieres , although Moled wine is unaccountably missing. Address: 15 Great Windmole St., London W1. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/mole_on~354803/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>mole-restaurantsfunnyhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/02/mole_on~354803/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/target_targets_targeted~353510/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/target_targets_targeted~353510/Thu, 01 Dec 2005 22:29:34 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/margaret_beckett.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Margaret Beckett - an unmissable target?</p> <p>The Government today announced a major overhaul to the system of targets by which it assesses its performance.</p> <p>In future, targets will be set only once results are known.</p> <p>"Retrospective targeting is clearly the way to go," said Environment Secretary Margaret Beckett, speaking about a possible post-Kyoto treaty.</p> <p>She continued, "It means we will never suffer embarrassing failures - and we'll get to sucker the public into thinking we're doing a good job."</p> <p>She dismissed with a disdainful whinny those who believe targets should be a way of forcing the government to make good its promises.</p> <p>"Typical ne'er-do-wells living in cloud cuckoo land," she neighed, "I'm afraid they're all over the place."</p> <p>A set of retrospective target targets was also part of the new thinking.</p> <p>"We are naturally unable to tell anyone what our target targets will be until we have fulfilled them," snorted Beckett, "But I think people will be very impressed."</p> <p><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/climatechange/story/0,12374,1655304,00.html">Guardian Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/target_targets_targeted~353510/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>targetshumourfunnypoliticssatirehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/target_targets_targeted~353510/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/words_are_made_of_letters_insists_govern~352058/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/words_are_made_of_letters_insists_govern~352058/Thu, 01 Dec 2005 13:56:20 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/000434B3-B87E-1219-802880BFB6FA0000_01.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/000434B3-B87E-1219-802880BFB6FA0000_01_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Ruth Kelly arguing against a cheese-based alphabet</p> <p>The Government today revealed radical new plans to teach children that words are made of letters, rather than anything else.</p> <p>"It's called phonics," enthused Secretary of State for Education Ruth Kelly, "Puh Huh Oh Nuh Ih Cuh Suh, that is."</p> <p>Mrs Kelly claimed that children all over the country, but "especially in the north of England", were being let down by teachers who propounded "heretical doctrines" - such as the idea that words are made of cheese or sand.</p> <p>"It's quite simple," she told NMH, "If words were made of cheese there would be no such thing as spelling, would there? Only an irredeemable fuckwit could deny that."</p> <p>Yet some maverick educationalists disagree. </p> <p>"It is not all that difficult to imagine a universe in which an actual morsel of brie constituted the correct way to spell the words 'morsel of brie'," mused Dr Theo Chimpy of the Institute of Education (IOE), adding mischievously, "Although it is clearly beyond the capacity of the Secretary of State's brain."</p> <p>Questioned on the matter, Kelly gave a vigorous response, "All my professional life I have fought against Chimpy and his like. Buh Ruh Ih Eh spells Brie and that's the end of it."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/words_are_made_of_letters_insists_govern~352058/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funnyhumoursatireeducationhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/words_are_made_of_letters_insists_govern~352058/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/women_should_pay_men_for_sex_too_claims_~351859/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-12-01:/2005/12/01/women_should_pay_men_for_sex_too_claims_~351859/Thu, 01 Dec 2005 12:37:59 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/images-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> This marriage ended in litigation</p> <p>A recent report showing that forty-four times as many men as women pay for sex has prompted varying responses from sexual organisations around the country.</p> <p>A spokesman for the Society for the Protection of Men with Fat Wives (SPOMFAW) argued that in certain cases "it was only fair that women should pay for sex with their husbands."</p> <p>He pointed out that 32% of men were clinically obese, while the corresponding figure for women was 41%.</p> <p>"That leaves a lot of men who are in physically good shape themselves, but have to put up with grotesquely bloated wives - perhaps even as many as a million. These men should receive some financial compensation for what they go through."</p> <p>SPOMFAW offer free legal support to men who wish to sue their fat wives.</p> <p>"The emotional distress caused by the slow fattening of one's wife over a period of time can be very acute," says Dr Thomas Pennybacker, a renowned psychiatrist who acts as a consultant for SPOMFAW. </p> <p>SPOMFAW's comments provoked an angry reaction from All Men are Bastards.</p> <p>"If men have the right to sue women for getting fat, then women should be able to sue men for baldness, which is just as repulsive in its own way," fulminated AMB President Susan Grimshaw.</p> <p>But Dr Pennybacker begged to differ. "That's just complete bullshit," he said, "Fat women are fat as a result of their own laziness and greed, whereas bald men have lost their hair through no fault of their own."</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4482970.stm">BBC Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/women_should_pay_men_for_sex_too_claims_~351859/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>sexsatirefunnyhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/12/01/women_should_pay_men_for_sex_too_claims_~351859/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/pensions_crisis_hots_up~349851/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-30:/2005/11/30/pensions_crisis_hots_up~349851/Wed, 30 Nov 2005 17:18:30 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Urinals.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Urinals_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Scene of the crisis</p> <p>Lord Adair Turner, author of the recent Pensions Report, and the Chancellor Gordon Brown today had a "moderately heated conversation" on the subject of pensions, NMH can exclusively reveal.</p> <p>During the exchange, which is the climax of a week of mounting tension, both men are said to have raised their voices by at least a third of a decibel above their habitual speaking volume.</p> <p>The contretemps occurred in the House of Commons urinals, when Gordon Brown told Lord Turner, who happened to be at the adjacent receptacle, that he believed his pensions reforms were "unaffordable". </p> <p>In response, Turner told the Chancellor, "It is premature to dismiss the possibility that pensions could be linked to earnings rather than inflation."</p> <p>Brown was then heard to mutter, "Means-testing bastard", prompting the life peer to spray an unknown quantity of pee on his foot.</p> <p>Further violence was only prevented by the intervention of one of the Chancellor's aides, who said, "He's not worth it, Gordon," and led him out of the room.</p> <p>Both sides are understood to be considering legal action.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/pensions_crisis_hots_up~349851/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/pensions_crisis_hots_up~349851/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/us_declares_war_on_suffixes_in_iraq~349725/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-30:/2005/11/30/us_declares_war_on_suffixes_in_iraq~349725/Wed, 30 Nov 2005 16:39:19 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Saddam.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Saddam_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> One of the top Saddamists</p> <p>The United States Government today unveiled details of its new strategy in Iraq.</p> <p>A senior Pentagon official said, "Following sophisticated computerised analysis, we have determined that our opponents' names always end in '-ist'. For example, you have Saddamists, Terrorists and Sunnists."</p> <p>"We have therefore decided to target all other ist-suffixed groups in the region, such as dentists, linguists and solipsists, to name just three."</p> <p>When it was pointed out that more than half of the Pentagon staff was comprised of strategists, the official smiled knowingly before replying, "We've already thought of that. And as of this morning our official designation has been changed to 'strategites'"</p> <p>The new policy has been welcomed by the Democrats.</p> <p>"We are comforted by this evidence that the Government is leaving no stone unturned in its attempt to bring the insurrectionists and all other oppositionists in Iraq to heel," said one Senator.</p> <p>Shortly after the announcement, three suicide bombists blew themselves up outside the main Post Office in Baghdad, killing 20 Iraqists and injuring 34 others.</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4484330.stm">BBC Article<br> </a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/us_declares_war_on_suffixes_in_iraq~349725/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>wariraqhumourjokesatirehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/30/us_declares_war_on_suffixes_in_iraq~349725/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/saddam_trial_put_on_hold_in_toothpick_fi~347701/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/saddam_trial_put_on_hold_in_toothpick_fi~347701/Tue, 29 Nov 2005 19:57:47 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Toothpick_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Toothpicks: not mentioned in the Geneva Convention</p> <p>The trial of Saddam Hussein was today suspended after just three minutes while court officials tried to locate a toothpick for the ex-dictator. </p> <p>Hussein refused to answer any questions until he had been provided with an implement with which to pick his teeth. </p> <p>"My treatment at the hands of the infidel aggressors is outrageous," he shouted at the presiding Judge. </p> <p>He continued, "For three days now, I have been tormented by a stringy piece of mutton stuck between two of my back upper molars. I have made hourly requests for a toothpick, which have been completely ignored."</p> <p>When the Judge observed that, under the terms of the Geneva Convention, the Occupying Powers were not obliged to furnish prisoners with toothpicks, Saddam exploded in an angry tirade.</p> <p>"You are an Iraqi. I order you to order the Americans to get me a toothpick this instant!"</p> <p>But when a court stenographer offered Mr Hussein the use of her personal toothpick, he rejected the offer furiously.</p> <p>"This merely adds insult to injury," he told her, adding, "Only a dog could be expected to be happy with a used toothpick."</p> <p>The trial will recommence in two weeks.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/saddam_trial_put_on_hold_in_toothpick_fi~347701/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>satirehumourjokefunnysaddam-husseiniraqhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/saddam_trial_put_on_hold_in_toothpick_fi~347701/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/vatican_publishes_gay_rules~346787/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/vatican_publishes_gay_rules~346787/Tue, 29 Nov 2005 14:16:23 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Papal_Bull_02.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Papal_Bull_02_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Papal Bullshit?</p> <p>The Vatican today published a long-awaited document in which it set out its official attitude towards homosexuals.</p> <p>In a delicately worded passage near the back, the author - understood to be the Pope himself - states that, "It is permissible for potential priests in the Catholic Church to be rogered up to sixteen times in their lives, provided that the most recent seeing-to did not occur more than twenty minutes before ordainment."</p> <p>Cardinal Mudzlinger told assembled journalists, "We have all had brief but intensely pleasurable homoerotic experiences," before unaccountably adding, "Haven't we? Haven't we?"</p> <p>When an NMH reporter asked whether Gary Glitter was eligible for the papacy under the current rules, Mudzlinger replied, "I would be amazed though profoundly grateful if you would refrain from asking me any more of your puerile questions."</p> <p>The reporter received the same response when he reiterated the question, having substituted "women" for "Gary Glitter".</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/vatican_publishes_gay_rules~346787/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>homosexualitypopegary-glittercatholicismhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/vatican_publishes_gay_rules~346787/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/we_do_not_give_a_f_about_iraqis_army_spo~346639/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/we_do_not_give_a_f_about_iraqis_army_spo~346639/Tue, 29 Nov 2005 13:24:22 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Spokesman.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> A spokesman, 32</p> <p>The British army today categorically denied that it was making "any effort whatsoever" to locate and/or free "a single one" of the thousands of Iraqis who have been kidnapped since 2003.</p> <p>"The accusation that we accord the same weight to the life of an Iraqi as we do to that of a bona fide Brit is completely outrageous," said a spokesman, 32, this morning.</p> <p>"Since the very start of the war we have made it abundantly clear that in our view - and it is backed up by the latest scientific thinking - one British man or woman is equivalent to around ten thousand Iraqis of either sex."</p> <p>The spokesman, 32, went on to claim that being kidnapped and murdered was "part of the culture" in Iraq, from which the victim could derive "prestige and even enjoyment".</p> <p>For Britons, on the other hand, such experiences were "rarely beneficial".</p> <p>"Some trouble-makers and ne'er-do-wells have accused us of giving a fuck about Iraqis," he said, before concluding, "But let me say this once and for all: we do not."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/we_do_not_give_a_f_about_iraqis_army_spo~346639/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>satireiraqhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/we_do_not_give_a_f_about_iraqis_army_spo~346639/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/blair_hails_nuclear_generation~346539/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-29:/2005/11/29/blair_hails_nuclear_generation~346539/Tue, 29 Nov 2005 12:45:34 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Tony_Blair.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Blair: "Two heads are better than one"</p> <p>Tony Blair today made a speech in which he looked forward to a new "nuclear generation" of Britons.</p> <p>"The youngsters of the future will have not one but two or three heads," Blair told the audience at a conference on Britain's energy future, "And they will be all different colours, from black to brown to white to lime green to neon orange."</p> <p>If Britain was proud of its diversity now, it would have even more reason to be so in the future, he said.</p> <p>Defending himself from criticism by Greenpeace activists who had infiltrated the conference, the Prime Minister declared, "This Government is adopting a radioactive stance towards climate change, as towards many other issues such as health care, education and awkward opponents of our policies."</p> <p>A Greenpeace spokesperson said afterwards, "This is the second time Blair has threatened, albeit in a veiled manner, to nuke us, but it won't make any difference. We are living proof that the nuclear deterrent does not work."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/blair_hails_nuclear_generation~346539/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>nuclear-powersatiretony-blairhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/29/blair_hails_nuclear_generation~346539/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/rooney_not_like_best_says_his_agent~344663/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/rooney_not_like_best_says_his_agent~344663/Mon, 28 Nov 2005 18:11:27 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Wayne_Rooney_154392h.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Rooney: "still alive"</p> <p>Wayne Rooney's agent today denied that his client in any way resembled George Best, as suggested by some football pundits in this weekend's papers. </p> <p>"Firstly, Wayne's face resembles a rhino's penis at a depth of 400 metres, while George Best was rather a good-looking man," Mr John Thomas told assembled reporters.</p> <p>"Secondly, George Best had - in fact no doubt still has - a beard, whereas my client does not," he continued. </p> <p>"And thirdly, Wayne is still alive, while George Best regrettably isn't," he concluded.</p> <p>Mr Thomas demanded that newspapers retract "this foul libel".</p> <p>So far the Sunday Times, Sunday Telegraph, Observer, News of the World etc have not issued a response.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/rooney_not_like_best_says_his_agent~344663/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>wayne-rooneygeorge-besthttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/rooney_not_like_best_says_his_agent~344663/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/parents_exploited_by_ruthless_teenagers~344481/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/parents_exploited_by_ruthless_teenagers~344481/Mon, 28 Nov 2005 17:19:17 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/ipod-cover.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/ipod-cover_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Potentially lethal IPods</p> <p>A Police report out today claimed that vulnerable adults are being used by teenagers to carry out dangerous "IPod running" missions.</p> <p>"What generally happens is that the teenager, by means of extended sulking and moroseness of demeanour, creates a feeling of guilt in the parent," said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair.</p> <p>He continued, "This is then exploited when the teenager skillfully hints that the cause of his or her unhappiness is the lack of fashionable items such as Ipods or X-boxes."</p> <p>Over a period of time such missions can make the adult feel depressed and under-valued as a person.</p> <p>"The slope to nihilistic consumerism is a slippery one," warned Sir Ian.</p> <p><a href="http://www.channel4.com/news/content/news-storypage.jsp?id=1783258">Channel 4 Article<br> </a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/parents_exploited_by_ruthless_teenagers~344481/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>teenagersipodshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/parents_exploited_by_ruthless_teenagers~344481/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/senile_saddam~343771/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/senile_saddam~343771/Mon, 28 Nov 2005 13:29:17 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/_41064896_afp203bodymoan.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Gaga Hussein?</p> <p>For the second time, Saddam Hussein today did not recognise either the Judge or the Baghdad courtroom in which he is being tried, casting further doubt on his mental fitness. Seasoned observers of the Iraq scene will recall a string of similar instances in the recent past, of which the most notable have been his failure to recognise the U.N., George W. Bush, the state of Israel, or any International Agreement whatsoever. It is further rumoured that he no longer recognises himself when he looks in the mirror, but instead repeatedly mistakes his reflection for that of the President of Iraq, Jalal Talabani. </p> <p>Says Dr. Thomas Pennybacker, a psychiatrist at the Royal Free Hospital, "These symptoms sound very much like the onset of Alzheimer's, an illness as debilitating and painful for former Dictators as for anyone else. My advice to Saddam would be to seek, if not actually find, professional help, and to avoid foods containing large quantities of mercury or other heavy metals."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/senile_saddam~343771/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>saddam-husseiniraqhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/senile_saddam~343771/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/regulatory_bodies_at_each_others_throats~343737/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-28:/2005/11/28/regulatory_bodies_at_each_others_throats~343737/Mon, 28 Nov 2005 13:17:58 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Pict0120lo_01.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/Pict0120lo_01_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Mortal combat</p> <p>OFFOFFOFFSPECT, the regulatory body which oversees other regulatory bodies in the UK, published a report this morning in which it claimed that, "Most regulatory bodies are bossy, self-righteous and incompetent. We at OFFOFFOFFSPECT deeply lament this fact, and urge them to pull their socks up immediately."</p> <p>But only minutes later a second report emerged, in which OFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT, the regulatory body overseeing other regulatory bodies overseeing other regulatory bodies, accused OFFOFFOFFSPECT of being "quite unacceptably school-masterly in tone, despite its own utter inability to pull its finger out."</p> <p>OFFOFFOFFSPECT has reacted by calling for OFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT's activities to be monitored by a new regulatory body, OFFOFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT.</p> <p>This, a spokesman claimed, "will finally get to the bottom of the matter, and put an end to the noxious culture of accusation and riposte which has taken root in the regulatory body world."</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/regulatory_bodies_at_each_others_throats~343737/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>satirehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/28/regulatory_bodies_at_each_others_throats~343737/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/colostomy_company_sets_city_alight~337576/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/colostomy_company_sets_city_alight~337576/Fri, 25 Nov 2005 20:47:09 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/fawn_suede_bag_2.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Oozie Poozies are stylish and comfortable</p> <p>In view of the remarkable popularity of Eezie Peezie, their new range of catheters, Yorrick & Pemberton of Jermyn Street, London have introduced a sister product: Oozie Poozie. </p> <p>"Oozie Poozie fulfils all the functions of your basic colostomy bag," explains the mysterious Mr Yorrick, who is rumoured to be connected to The Hon. Septimus Fudge.</p> <p>He continued, "But it is also a fashion item, available in moleskin, denim and suede. Our mission is to empower the victims of formerly embarrassing medical conditions. Traditionally catheters and colostomy bags have been hidden away, as if they were somehow unappealing, but now people are beginning to see their latent potential as elegant accessories." </p> <p>The City has reacted enthusiastically. Y & P shares have leapt sevenfold in the last three weeks, and are expected to climb further. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/colostomy_company_sets_city_alight~337576/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funnycolostomy-bagbird-fluhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/colostomy_company_sets_city_alight~337576/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/nmh_letters_page~337563/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/nmh_letters_page~337563/Fri, 25 Nov 2005 20:42:36 +0100 <p>Wretch, </p> <p>I am writing to object in the strongest possible terms to the gross overuse of the word pandemic in today's 'media', as we are all obliged to call it. As far as I know you are not responsible for this, neither is there any reason to suppose that you will be capable of effecting a remedy, being the colossal ass that you are. However, there it is. </p> <p>Yours ever,<br> Horatio Pilchard OBE</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/nmh_letters_page~337563/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/nmh_letters_page~337563/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/educational_apartheid~336487/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/educational_apartheid~336487/Fri, 25 Nov 2005 13:51:03 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/vxbabsscharrowschool6.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/vxbabsscharrowschool6_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Harrow School: 100% mediocre</p> <p>Figures released today by the Department of Education showed that pupils attending fee-paying independent schools are eight times more likely to attain a "respectable" level of mediocrity than those at state schools.</p> <p>Earlier this year the Government published a White Paper setting ambitious targets which, if met, will mean that 95% of all UK schoolchildren receive a mediocre education by 2008.</p> <p>But currently only 12% of state school leavers reach mediocrity before quitting full-time education, while the equivalent figure for private school leavers is 97%.</p> <p>"This is an absolute disgrace," said Mrs Dawlish, whose state-educated sons have been classified 'sub-mediocre' by the Government, "My kids have the right to be mediocre just like anyone else's."</p> <p>Addressing a group of parents in Inner Birmingham this morning, the Education Secretary Ruth Kelly said, "It is all very well to talk about rights, but mediocrity is also a duty."</p> <p><a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1890398,00.html">Times Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/educational_apartheid~336487/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/educational_apartheid~336487/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/sir_elton_hits_low_key~336252/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-25:/2005/11/25/sir_elton_hits_low_key~336252/Fri, 25 Nov 2005 12:07:14 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/NYHETER-04s06-elton-266.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Elton John: "hugely significant"</p> <p>Sir Elton John and his long-term partner David Furnish are planning to marry next week in what they say will be the "lowest key" ceremony in the history of celebrity nuptials.</p> <p>"What is so immensely significant about our decision to tie the knot is that we are only inviting our parents to the wedding ceremony rather than having a gigantic bash," John told reporters.</p> <p>After the event there will be a small party with no music for a select group of mute friends. </p> <p>"Invitations will be on a strict no-gushing basis," said the tubby performer of Candle in the Wind and other low-key hits.</p> <p><a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1889880,00.html">Times Article<br> </a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/sir_elton_hits_low_key~336252/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>elton-johngay-marriagehttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/25/sir_elton_hits_low_key~336252/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/bush_says_order_for_iraq_war_was_a_joke~334832/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/bush_says_order_for_iraq_war_was_a_joke~334832/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 20:03:52 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/War_in_iraq_explosion.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/War_in_iraq_explosion_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> A simple misunderstanding</p> <p>President George Bush today told the American people that he was "only joking" when he ordered the attack on Iraq two and a half years ago.</p> <p>He pointed the finger at his "wacko" officials at the White House for taking the order seriously.</p> <p>"Ah was jest having a bitta fun," he said, adding mischievously, "Even the President of the U S of goddam A likes to joke occasionally for chrissakes!"</p> <p>It was only while putting his feet up in front of the Al-Jazeera news channel at his Texas ranch that the President realised his mistake. </p> <p>"Ah did what ah always doos in times of great tribulation," he recounted, "First ah choked on a pretzel, then ah called my Daddy."</p> <p>Apparently George Bush Senior recalled the same thing happening to him in 1991.</p> <p>"That made me feel a whole lot better," drawled the current President, perhaps ironically.</p> <p><a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,3-1889286,00.html">Times Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/bush_says_order_for_iraq_war_was_a_joke~334832/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>wariraqgeorge-bushhttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/bush_says_order_for_iraq_war_was_a_joke~334832/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/korean_professor_sacked~334215/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/korean_professor_sacked~334215/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 16:24:25 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/_41051836_hwang-getty2-203.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Woo Sucks Eggs</p> <p>A top Korean scientist today resigned from his post at Seoul University after it was revealed that he had offered to clone human egos. </p> <p>Professor Hwang Woo Suck, 46, (pictured above), said that he was guilty of a misjudgement, rather than unethical intent.</p> <p>"I should never have agreed to clone President Roo Moo-Hyun's ego," Woo admitted during a press conference.</p> <p>Suck also told journalists that he had had to reject the offer of a large sum of money to make an exact copy of Tony Blair's ego. "I'm afraid it was simply too large," he said, "It would never have fitted into one of our lab test-tubes."</p> <p>A Downing Street spokesman denied that Blair had approached the Korean for ego replication. "Tony was interested in cloning his egg not his ego," she explained, "It was a simple misunderstanding."</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4465552.stm">BBC Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/korean_professor_sacked~334215/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>cloninghttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/korean_professor_sacked~334215/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/rape_no_excuse_for_drinking_alcohol_rule~334079/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/rape_no_excuse_for_drinking_alcohol_rule~334079/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 15:32:15 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/hammer_judge.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Strict justice</p> <p>A Judge trying a drunk-and-disorderly case ruled yesterday that the law "did not, will not, could not and would not" consider rape an excuse for the excessive consumption of alcohol.</p> <p>The ruling came after a man accused of urinating on a lamp-post outside the Lamb and Flag Public House in Swansea claimed he had been driven to drink after raping someone the previous week.</p> <p>Justice Roderick Evans told Ryairi Dougall, 28, "Your disgusting behaviour, which is more worthy of a dog than a human being, is in no way mitigated by the guilt or anguish which you may have felt after your recent rape. The law must set down a firm precedent on such questions."</p> <p>Mr Dougall has been sentenced to 20 hours community service.</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/4465622.stm">BBC Article</p> <p></a><a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-1889086,00.html">Times Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/rape_no_excuse_for_drinking_alcohol_rule~334079/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>alcoholrapebinge-drinkinghttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/rape_no_excuse_for_drinking_alcohol_rule~334079/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/everyone_will_die_doctors_claim~333815/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-24:/2005/11/24/everyone_will_die_doctors_claim~333815/Thu, 24 Nov 2005 13:42:17 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/4113S-king-sally-grave.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/4113S-king-sally-grave_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> The grave: "awaits us all"</p> <p>The doctor responsible for George Best's treatment today claimed that "everyone in Britain" will die sooner or later, and not just the ex-Manchester United and Northern Ireland footballer.</p> <p>Looking haggard as he spoke to the assembled Press from London's Cromwell Hospital, Professor Roger Williams said, "My long medical career has taught me the sad but true fact that people throughout Britain are, without exception, mortal. I therefore urge all families, including George's, to prepare themselves for the worst."</p> <p>The BMC has roundly condemned Williams' "premature and sensationalist scare-mongering", and is said to be considering the possibility of having him struck off the medical register.</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4465456.stm">BBC Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/everyone_will_die_doctors_claim~333815/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>george-besthttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/24/everyone_will_die_doctors_claim~333815/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/river_runs_orange_in_china~331898/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-23:/2005/11/23/river_runs_orange_in_china~331898/Wed, 23 Nov 2005 18:20:06 +0100 <p><a href="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/sat_aug_14_2004_112434_am-1032_640x480.jpg" title=""><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/sat_aug_14_2004_112434_am-1032_640x480_small.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><br> Lethal in large doses</p> <p>The Chinese government conceded today that the chemical leakage upriver from the city of Harbin is "far more serious" than had previously been suggested.</p> <p>Yesterday, the world was informed that large amounts of Benzene, a highly toxic carcinogen, had flowed into the Songhua, prompting the authorities to call a temporary halt to Harbin's water supply.</p> <p>But this morning, under pressure from the international community, President Hu Jintao admitted that in fact 20 billion tons of sweet and sour sauce had contaminated the river. </p> <p>Just one third of a ton of sweet and sour sauce is enough to kill a healthy adult, say experts. </p> <p>Jintao tried to discourage panic among the citizens of Harbin, vowing that the water supply would be turned on as soon as the authorities could be satisfied that there was no longer any danger. </p> <p>"It will be no later than the end of next year," he promised.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/river_runs_orange_in_china~331898/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>chinahttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/river_runs_orange_in_china~331898/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/hero_flintoff_agrees_to_auction_penis_to~331576/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-23:/2005/11/23/hero_flintoff_agrees_to_auction_penis_to~331576/Wed, 23 Nov 2005 16:31:33 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/r58141_159303.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Gentlemanly conduct</p> <p>English hero Andrew Flintoff today agreed to auction his penis to help raise funds in support of earthquake victims in Pakistan, where the team is currently on tour.</p> <p>Speaking in Faisalabad after a brilliant performance in which he took three wickets and revived English hopes of victory, Flintoff said, "The lads and me were talking about it in the dressing-room like, and we just decided it was the least we could do. Harmers, Vaughny and the rest of the boys, they're just great, like."</p> <p>It was a typically modest display from a man famed for his gentlemanly behaviour on and off the pitch.</p> <p>Sotheby's, who will stage the auction, estimate that the item will fetch in excess of £200,000. "There has already been a lot of interest, especially from middle-aged women," said a spokeswoman.</p> <p>Marylebone Cricket Club also declared that they would be making a bid. "We feel that it would be very much at home in the Long Room," MCC President Tom Graveney told reporters, adding wryly, "No doubt it will be our most famous member."</p> <p>Flintoff rejects the idea that his performances will be adversely affected. "You really don't need a penis for bowling or batting," he explained. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/hero_flintoff_agrees_to_auction_penis_to~331576/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/hero_flintoff_agrees_to_auction_penis_to~331576/#commentshttp://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/top_retailers_accuse_santa_of_stinginess~331098/tag:nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk,2005-11-23:/2005/11/23/top_retailers_accuse_santa_of_stinginess~331098/Wed, 23 Nov 2005 13:17:51 +0100 <p><img src="http://data1.blog.de/blog/n/nightlymorningherald/img/santa_claus_3Dmodel.jpg" border="0" alt=""><br> Is Santa tight-assed?</p> <p>The British Retail Consortium (BRC), a group representing the UK's top 500 retailers, has written an open letter to Santa Claus in an attempt to prevent the widely predicted "worst Christmas ever" from materialising.</p> <p>The letter proposes several ways in which Santa Claus and the BRC could work together to avoid a crisis. They include larger stocking sizes, fewer tangerines, and, most radically, a second Christmas to be established in June or July.</p> <p>At one point, the letter admonishes Mr Claus for his failure to keep up with the times. "Your perseverance with such outmoded presents as boxer-shorts and nuts, and your refusal to consider the merits of Bluetooth-enabled mobile phones or IPods as stocking fillers, smacks of an unhealthy obsession with the past, if not of downright stinginess," it says. </p> <p>A spokesman in Lapland issued a short statement thanking the BRC for its suggestions, and promising to consider them "very carefully indeed".</p> <p><a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4462502.stm">BBC Article</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/top_retailers_accuse_santa_of_stinginess~331098/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://nightlymorningherald.blog.co.uk/2005/11/23/top_retailers_accuse_santa_of_stinginess~331098/#comments