THE NIGHTLY MORNING HERALD

One of the top Saddamists

The United States Government today unveiled details of its new strategy in Iraq.

A senior Pentagon official said, "Following sophisticated computerised analysis, we have determined that our opponents' names always end in '-ist'. For example, you have Saddamists, Terrorists and Sunnists."

"We have therefore decided to target all other ist-suffixed groups in the region, such as dentists, linguists and solipsists, to name just three."

When it was pointed out that more than half of the Pentagon staff was comprised of strategists, the official smiled knowingly before replying, "We've already thought of that. And as of this morning our official designation has been changed to 'strategites'"

The new policy has been welcomed by the Democrats.

"We are comforted by this evidence that the Government is leaving no stone unturned in its attempt to bring the insurrectionists and all other oppositionists in Iraq to heel," said one Senator.

Shortly after the announcement, three suicide bombists blew themselves up outside the main Post Office in Baghdad, killing 20 Iraqists and injuring 34 others.

BBC Article

Toothpicks: not mentioned in the Geneva Convention

The trial of Saddam Hussein was today suspended after just three minutes while court officials tried to locate a toothpick for the ex-dictator.

Hussein refused to answer any questions until he had been provided with an implement with which to pick his teeth.

"My treatment at the hands of the infidel aggressors is outrageous," he shouted at the presiding Judge.

He continued, "For three days now, I have been tormented by a stringy piece of mutton stuck between two of my back upper molars. I have made hourly requests for a toothpick, which have been completely ignored."

When the Judge observed that, under the terms of the Geneva Convention, the Occupying Powers were not obliged to furnish prisoners with toothpicks, Saddam exploded in an angry tirade.

"You are an Iraqi. I order you to order the Americans to get me a toothpick this instant!"

But when a court stenographer offered Mr Hussein the use of her personal toothpick, he rejected the offer furiously.

"This merely adds insult to injury," he told her, adding, "Only a dog could be expected to be happy with a used toothpick."

The trial will recommence in two weeks.

Papal Bullshit?

The Vatican today published a long-awaited document in which it set out its official attitude towards homosexuals.

In a delicately worded passage near the back, the author - understood to be the Pope himself - states that, "It is permissible for potential priests in the Catholic Church to be rogered up to sixteen times in their lives, provided that the most recent seeing-to did not occur more than twenty minutes before ordainment."

Cardinal Mudzlinger told assembled journalists, "We have all had brief but intensely pleasurable homoerotic experiences," before unaccountably adding, "Haven't we? Haven't we?"

When an NMH reporter asked whether Gary Glitter was eligible for the papacy under the current rules, Mudzlinger replied, "I would be amazed though profoundly grateful if you would refrain from asking me any more of your puerile questions."

The reporter received the same response when he reiterated the question, having substituted "women" for "Gary Glitter".

A spokesman, 32

The British army today categorically denied that it was making "any effort whatsoever" to locate and/or free "a single one" of the thousands of Iraqis who have been kidnapped since 2003.

"The accusation that we accord the same weight to the life of an Iraqi as we do to that of a bona fide Brit is completely outrageous," said a spokesman, 32, this morning.

"Since the very start of the war we have made it abundantly clear that in our view - and it is backed up by the latest scientific thinking - one British man or woman is equivalent to around ten thousand Iraqis of either sex."

The spokesman, 32, went on to claim that being kidnapped and murdered was "part of the culture" in Iraq, from which the victim could derive "prestige and even enjoyment".

For Britons, on the other hand, such experiences were "rarely beneficial".

"Some trouble-makers and ne'er-do-wells have accused us of giving a fuck about Iraqis," he said, before concluding, "But let me say this once and for all: we do not."

Blair: "Two heads are better than one"

Tony Blair today made a speech in which he looked forward to a new "nuclear generation" of Britons.

"The youngsters of the future will have not one but two or three heads," Blair told the audience at a conference on Britain's energy future, "And they will be all different colours, from black to brown to white to lime green to neon orange."

If Britain was proud of its diversity now, it would have even more reason to be so in the future, he said.

Defending himself from criticism by Greenpeace activists who had infiltrated the conference, the Prime Minister declared, "This Government is adopting a radioactive stance towards climate change, as towards many other issues such as health care, education and awkward opponents of our policies."

A Greenpeace spokesperson said afterwards, "This is the second time Blair has threatened, albeit in a veiled manner, to nuke us, but it won't make any difference. We are living proof that the nuclear deterrent does not work."

Rooney: "still alive"

Wayne Rooney's agent today denied that his client in any way resembled George Best, as suggested by some football pundits in this weekend's papers.

"Firstly, Wayne's face resembles a rhino's penis at a depth of 400 metres, while George Best was rather a good-looking man," Mr John Thomas told assembled reporters.

"Secondly, George Best had - in fact no doubt still has - a beard, whereas my client does not," he continued.

"And thirdly, Wayne is still alive, while George Best regrettably isn't," he concluded.

Mr Thomas demanded that newspapers retract "this foul libel".

So far the Sunday Times, Sunday Telegraph, Observer, News of the World etc have not issued a response.

Potentially lethal IPods

A Police report out today claimed that vulnerable adults are being used by teenagers to carry out dangerous "IPod running" missions.

"What generally happens is that the teenager, by means of extended sulking and moroseness of demeanour, creates a feeling of guilt in the parent," said Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair.

He continued, "This is then exploited when the teenager skillfully hints that the cause of his or her unhappiness is the lack of fashionable items such as Ipods or X-boxes."

Over a period of time such missions can make the adult feel depressed and under-valued as a person.

"The slope to nihilistic consumerism is a slippery one," warned Sir Ian.

Channel 4 Article

Gaga Hussein?

For the second time, Saddam Hussein today did not recognise either the Judge or the Baghdad courtroom in which he is being tried, casting further doubt on his mental fitness. Seasoned observers of the Iraq scene will recall a string of similar instances in the recent past, of which the most notable have been his failure to recognise the U.N., George W. Bush, the state of Israel, or any International Agreement whatsoever. It is further rumoured that he no longer recognises himself when he looks in the mirror, but instead repeatedly mistakes his reflection for that of the President of Iraq, Jalal Talabani.

Says Dr. Thomas Pennybacker, a psychiatrist at the Royal Free Hospital, "These symptoms sound very much like the onset of Alzheimer's, an illness as debilitating and painful for former Dictators as for anyone else. My advice to Saddam would be to seek, if not actually find, professional help, and to avoid foods containing large quantities of mercury or other heavy metals."

Mortal combat

OFFOFFOFFSPECT, the regulatory body which oversees other regulatory bodies in the UK, published a report this morning in which it claimed that, "Most regulatory bodies are bossy, self-righteous and incompetent. We at OFFOFFOFFSPECT deeply lament this fact, and urge them to pull their socks up immediately."

But only minutes later a second report emerged, in which OFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT, the regulatory body overseeing other regulatory bodies overseeing other regulatory bodies, accused OFFOFFOFFSPECT of being "quite unacceptably school-masterly in tone, despite its own utter inability to pull its finger out."

OFFOFFOFFSPECT has reacted by calling for OFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT's activities to be monitored by a new regulatory body, OFFOFFOFFOFFOFFSPECT.

This, a spokesman claimed, "will finally get to the bottom of the matter, and put an end to the noxious culture of accusation and riposte which has taken root in the regulatory body world."

Oozie Poozies are stylish and comfortable

In view of the remarkable popularity of Eezie Peezie, their new range of catheters, Yorrick & Pemberton of Jermyn Street, London have introduced a sister product: Oozie Poozie.

"Oozie Poozie fulfils all the functions of your basic colostomy bag," explains the mysterious Mr Yorrick, who is rumoured to be connected to The Hon. Septimus Fudge.

He continued, "But it is also a fashion item, available in moleskin, denim and suede. Our mission is to empower the victims of formerly embarrassing medical conditions. Traditionally catheters and colostomy bags have been hidden away, as if they were somehow unappealing, but now people are beginning to see their latent potential as elegant accessories."

The City has reacted enthusiastically. Y & P shares have leapt sevenfold in the last three weeks, and are expected to climb further.